hopeless

 dearest gentle readers, Guess who has been watching some bridgerton.

despite the warm introduction, i have received grave news. It has come to my attention that my plans for my future are now nullified, as i have dangers regarding them

putting the archaic aside, im fucked

it has happened again, i have been in too deep mentally and im once again left there to come back all by myself. I made plans of leaving the country and as soon as everything is figured out, i find out that it cant happen and im fucked.

it is kind of funny but its mostly sad how this always seems to happen to me. I mean i was so close, i didnt even think of going back in my decision. A few hours ago, i was tearing up just because of the thought that it might not work out and now i am left in a position where theres no hope. i planned an escape from hellhole to paradise and im again left here with no way out. i hate cse. i hate my course. i hate that i cant understand it. i hate everything about it and the idea of never having to study it again made me so happy i was almost flying. and now im back to the same place and i have to stay studying this shitty topic and survive. a few hours ago i knew certainly that if this doesnt work out, i will never forgive god for ruining my life. im afraid now i dont have the luxury to stay indifferent. but i will. i hate god. all that talk about oh god knows best just pray just trust, fuck it. im so pissed off and iriitated im done with this relationship. he knew how much i wanted this, how much i needed this and i genuinely dreamt of this thing thats how much i wanted it and he knew it. somoemne who loves someoone woujld never let this happen to them. but he did. so fuck him. im done. 

past

 i just read my old posts. Ive come so far i shed a tear or two. I cant recognise myself anymore. I saw myself through different phases in life. almost like different lenses. i was so uptight and deep and meaningful and. deep. i dont know if i like this current version of me thats so casual and careless and  disgustingly lazy or my old self. i mean i have exams in 4 days and i cant even get myself to start studying. end sems btw not even minors. I dont know if its the arrogance of "ill make it somehow" or carelessness. I need to remind myself that im not a brat. i dont have that kind of money. so i should stop acting like a spoiled brat and be careful with my time and study, which is the only reason why my parents put me here. Being here changed me. people, the place, the convenience. everyone here is rich and have backup options and can spend money for useless things. i forgot my situation. my parents work so hard every single day. every rupee they earn and spend for my education, or for my food, or clothes, or on me in general, is the money they deny for themselves. I mean my mom walks kilometers instead of taking an auto or a bus. while i waste money on junk food because i "dont like" the mess food. i waste all my time not doing the one thing my parents want from me. the only thing they expect in return of all this hardwork and investment and money is my studies and my grades and my cgpa. which is something i happen to not give the slightest shit about. i need to revisit my old times, remember what is important and what isnt. everyone here focuses on crushes and love and fun and parties. its difficult to stay in my lane by myself. so i didnt stay in my lane, i went to theirs, i cant deny, i had fun. but my parents didnt put me here for me to have fun. they didnt pay 8 lakh per year for me to end up not studying and acting like a spoiled brat. i focus too much on unimportant things that the direction of my life was lost. i need to accept the truth that i only have one path infront of me, and that is to be a good student and end up getting a software job. whether i want to or not. it doesnt matter anymore. i need to focus less on boys and love and looks and fun and drinks and basically brat stuff.  and focus on studies and internships and jobs. im so behind in everything academic. its so embarrassing. everyones supposed to be in intermediate level of coding and im in elementary level. or even worse. im gonna lock in now. ill start with dms and dldca and physics, in order. and end with linear algebra and complex analysis one day before exam. my exams will go well and i will lock in. theres no other point of me being in this college. my dad needs me to study well. 

life

 so i have exams in a few days, on 29th. minors. im so cooked i have no idea what the topics are. ill grind like hell from tomorrow night fr. also life is good. i cut off a toxic bitch ass "friend" who was always jealous of me and hated me from her guts. the fucking audacity she has is astounding. anyway im glad i dont call such a cheap person my friend anymore. 

i like a guy but he doesnt like me back. or i think he doesnt like me back. i thought he was a hidden gem and he was only beautiful in my eyes but turns out a lot of people share the same opinion and its pissing tf outta me. but i dont chase so im leaving him behind.(im trying to)

i gotta go pack im leaving for uni tomorrow, im at home rn

made a cheesecake, its good. 

i fell into it again, but idc anymore. God is outta my life, completely. he doesnt care about me anymore and likewise. 

i cut off another friend of mine who was so precious to me but not more than my sister. it was her birthday recently and i didnt wish her. i feel like i regret it but when i think about the fact that she wouldnt hesitate to do that to me for her sister, i feel like i did something right. She was the first friend i ever made in my entire life. and she was the person who took me for granted much more than anyone else. i miss her and ill always love her but never more than my sister. 

i miss someone. i used to talk to him last year but i stopped because i blocked him. for a few days and he didnt care enough to respond after i unblocked him. his replies used to take forever so i got pissed and blocked out of spite. but i miss him sm he was so sweet to me and everytime i reread our chat i regret it

but i wouldnt have liked him if i still talked to him, he was a avoidant guy who wouldve never taken me seriously enough to get into a relationship with me. and i felt the same way. so theres that.

um nothing more, i didnt have any life changing soul crushing event this year, i really hope i spoke too soon because this is the time when life usually starts lifing in the entire year. if this phase doesnt happen, the year was useless. anyway

thats it. im happy about the friends i have rn in college. i cut off bitches and i have some nice people as my friends now. theyre  not judgmental or disgustingly whiny and conceited. 

battle

 I'm going to post my most difficult battle which noone knows about because i always thought it would be too pathetic to talk about. I'm posting this with the confidence that noone knows my blog and nobody would care enough to look it up. It has lots of grammatical mistakes because i wrote it in the middle of the night sobbing my eyes out and actually crying crying and i don't want to correct the mistakes because i think it adds to the authenticity of what i felt that night. It makes it more meaningful.

Will i always be this lonely?

I thought it'd be over when I come to college, that I'll no longer feel the way i do 

But I'm always so alone, even among so many people

Why couldn't i have just one person with me? Only one would do it

I just need one person who gets me, who knows me and understands me 

Is asking for just one too much to ask? 

I don't want to feel this way

I don't want to be alone

I would do anything rather than be alone

I need to figure out what it is that makes me so undesirable 

Maybe if I was pretty people wouldn't want to leave me alone 

Maybe if I was different than myself i wouldn't have to be so alone 

Why is it just me? Everyone else has friends 

Everyone else has people to talk to 

Everyone else has people who like them 

What am I doing wrong 

If God had a choice, he wouldn't have chosen to love me either

college

 i have no fucking idea. I didnt think college would be this stressful mentally. but this is so damaging im actually done. the way i hate everything about myself right now, i dont even remember why i used to like myself. like i just cant find anything likeworthy about me. why is it so difficult to find some good friends like theres so many people but i feel so undesirable. even by myself. and the number of beautiful girls, i get a new insecurity everytime i go out and its fucking irritating. i genuinely cant believe it when people want to hang out with me, im asking myself if its because they feel pity or if its because they actually want to. like imagine my confidence level. and the one person i like in college is going through so much shit

untitled

 i forgot this existed. Got my new laptop today, got a new phone a few weeks ago. I decided my college and its starting in 3 days. Im staying home all day and we know how that goes. But surprisingly im finding it fun now, It's no longer suffocating me. I've gotten used to all the wrong things, so they no longer feel wrong. There was a kind of guilt that was associated with it. I no longer feel that guilt. I don't know if i got used to the guilt or just accepted the fact that its never going to change. About college, im fucking done. I dont even wanna do this engineering shit and now im gonna have to do it. Its so annoying. Doing it isn't annoying. Well it is, but its not the top subject on the list of annoying things. The most annoying thing is the amount of money my parents are spending on this. On me. I hate this feeling.To be honest, a 9 to 5 sounds really nice. It would be perfect if there was a guaranteed future instead of all the competition and the stress of not having a job. Imagine waking up, cooking, going for work, coming back at 5 and having a calm and peaceful life. Id get a pet and give it all the love i have around. Id go for a walk around the apartment i rented near my office. Id see all the kids playing and the old people walking around. Id quietly observe the way people talk, react, walk. Make my notes. Id come back home and get ready for an all-girls house party hosted by a girl i met on my way to the office, i complimented her outfit and we're friends now. Id wear a good outfit and use the makeup bought with my own money. A dark blood red matte lipstick with some bold eyeliner. Some blush, id style my hair with right products. Id do the makeup that doesn't make me look or feel like the quote "lipstick on a pig". Id go out, have fun. Id meet new people, new cool people. Get inspired. Id come home late at night in my own car. Without having to fear for my life thinking about public transport. Id reach home safely. I would take a bath, around 12 or something. Without having to explain why i went out, or where i went. or how, or when. or why im taking a bath. Just peace. Not loneliness,just peace. Id know the difference between the two, as i am much familiar with the term loneliness. I wouldn't be the person i am right now. I would be free. I would be free from myself. From my own desires and my own mind, which control my actions with so much grace and ease. 

I made my main instagram account public. I have 508 followers right now. I hope to grow more. I didn't mention a specific someone in this post. Its easy to recognise whom im talking about. and i have my own reasons to do so (yes). 

To be honest, college doesn't scare me. The people do. The attitude id have to deal with. Girls acting superior or feeling insecure of me. The feeling of being intimidated. I guess I got used to feeling important in my inter. Now, in college, i wont be important anymore. There will always be someone better than me. Someone prettier, Someone more talented, someone smarter, someone more interesting , someone with better music taste, someone with better taste in films, someone wealthier, someone with better posture, someone with perfect teeth, someone with pink lips and beautiful hair, someone with better physique,someone funnier. I just hope i find someone who looks at me and says "you dont need to. You're your own person, you are pretty enough, you are smart enough. You are interesting enough, your taste in music and films is good enough. You are funny enough and you are perfect enough."

Hope i find a good roommate and make some good friends. Im in for a ride. I just dont know if its going to be a rollercoaster or a slide at the playground. 

dedication

 i need to choose something and stick to it. Be it writing, or music, or coding, or web designing, or anything literally. I need to be dedicated to something. I just saw a bunch of websites which were so cute and inspirational, They seemed so fascinating and interesting. They made me interested in web designing and web development. I'm not talented in writing much and I'm a complete beginner in web designing, I don't even know if it means what I think it means. I'm not a talented lyricist either. I'm mid in singing. I need to develop in either creating music or web designing. Maybe i should let my creativity flow with writing as well. After all, I am a passionate day dreamer and fake scenarios specialist. People are so talented and they started young. Billie, Beabadoobee, many authors. There's nothing that can't be achieved by practice.