untitled

 i forgot this existed. Got my new laptop today, got a new phone a few weeks ago. I decided my college and its starting in 3 days. Im staying home all day and we know how that goes. But surprisingly im finding it fun now, It's no longer suffocating me. I've gotten used to all the wrong things, so they no longer feel wrong. There was a kind of guilt that was associated with it. I no longer feel that guilt. I don't know if i got used to the guilt or just accepted the fact that its never going to change. About college, im fucking done. I dont even wanna do this engineering shit and now im gonna have to do it. Its so annoying. Doing it isn't annoying. Well it is, but its not the top subject on the list of annoying things. The most annoying thing is the amount of money my parents are spending on this. On me. I hate this feeling.To be honest, a 9 to 5 sounds really nice. It would be perfect if there was a guaranteed future instead of all the competition and the stress of not having a job. Imagine waking up, cooking, going for work, coming back at 5 and having a calm and peaceful life. Id get a pet and give it all the love i have around. Id go for a walk around the apartment i rented near my office. Id see all the kids playing and the old people walking around. Id quietly observe the way people talk, react, walk. Make my notes. Id come back home and get ready for an all-girls house party hosted by a girl i met on my way to the office, i complimented her outfit and we're friends now. Id wear a good outfit and use the makeup bought with my own money. A dark blood red matte lipstick with some bold eyeliner. Some blush, id style my hair with right products. Id do the makeup that doesn't make me look or feel like the quote "lipstick on a pig". Id go out, have fun. Id meet new people, new cool people. Get inspired. Id come home late at night in my own car. Without having to fear for my life thinking about public transport. Id reach home safely. I would take a bath, around 12 or something. Without having to explain why i went out, or where i went. or how, or when. or why im taking a bath. Just peace. Not loneliness,just peace. Id know the difference between the two, as i am much familiar with the term loneliness. I wouldn't be the person i am right now. I would be free. I would be free from myself. From my own desires and my own mind, which control my actions with so much grace and ease. 

I made my main instagram account public. I have 508 followers right now. I hope to grow more. I didn't mention a specific someone in this post. Its easy to recognise whom im talking about. and i have my own reasons to do so (yes). 

To be honest, college doesn't scare me. The people do. The attitude id have to deal with. Girls acting superior or feeling insecure of me. The feeling of being intimidated. I guess I got used to feeling important in my inter. Now, in college, i wont be important anymore. There will always be someone better than me. Someone prettier, Someone more talented, someone smarter, someone more interesting , someone with better music taste, someone with better taste in films, someone wealthier, someone with better posture, someone with perfect teeth, someone with pink lips and beautiful hair, someone with better physique,someone funnier. I just hope i find someone who looks at me and says "you dont need to. You're your own person, you are pretty enough, you are smart enough. You are interesting enough, your taste in music and films is good enough. You are funny enough and you are perfect enough."

Hope i find a good roommate and make some good friends. Im in for a ride. I just dont know if its going to be a rollercoaster or a slide at the playground.