vulnerability

 i am scared of people knowing me. i fear getting too close to people because it puts me in a vulnerable position. it might not always be that deep but i want to make meaningful friendships. at the same time i don't want commitment. i had to end friendships because of too much commitment and i think I'm going to end one in the near future too. not because i enjoy cutting people off but for mental peace. i hate it when people are pushy. like take a hint lil bro. i grew up being an introvert so obviously i have been forced to do a lot of things even when i didn't want to. i always wished that id been more extroverted, more talkative. even in functions and events, i brought the Alex Dunphy vibe , just without all the brains and with maximum awkwardness. it definitely was not fear that held me back. i just couldn't do it. it bothered me a lot, until recently i talked to my parents about this and what they said gave me a whole new perspective, my dad legit told me to be myself. i mean yeah i don't talk a lot and i sit silently but that's just who i am. and what do people even expect? me to put on an entire entertainment show? so i gave up trying to impress people, i put this energy to impress and enjoy myself. coming to the topic of this post, i am scared of being known by people because it puts me in a position where I'm vulnerable. where I'm defenseless. It feels like I'm being examined. i definitely speak for a lot of people when i say that. but isn't that the whole point of life, after God? to know people and be known by them. to learn from others and have others learn from you? also its not that deep to be fair. i mean i go off about how important it is to have high standards of life and high standards of friendship, but sometimes i feel like no one is perfect and the entire point is to make mistakes and be imperfect and learn. I can't expect perfect people to enter my life without changing my own. I need to start being productive. people with high standard don't stay friends with someone who finds it difficult to leave the bed, or have no physical fitness. I should get that into my head and start working. There's a cute top that I'm working on currently, 20% is done. I hope i finish it soon. I want to keep writing and i want to keep working. I don't want to have the time to feel bored, i want to be completely occupied. I don't even want the free time to think about useless things. I want to focus on God and give him thanks for all the wonders he has been doing and will continue to do in my life. I want to apologize for messing it up all the time. and i want to be on fire for him again. I want Jesus to be my first priority in life, everything else comes after. No one except Jesus Christ would watch me going against his word and simultaneously make a path for me. no one would go through that pain that i cause while actively making sure i have a good future. i keep reminding myself that he doesn't do all this because i deserve it, but because of his love. so yeah..